On being a phony.

I admit it. I'm a total phony. But don't judge me too quickly. Cuz you're a phony, too.


We're all hypocrites on some level. Come on, you know it's true. We've all found ourselves yelling, "Stop yelling at me/your brother/your sister!" We argue with our spouse or are children (or both) on the way to church only to turn our frown instantly upside down the moment we step inside. We smile and tell others we're "great" when they ask how we're doing when what we really want to do is vomit our true feelings all over them. Yep. We're all on the phony list.


On any given day, you might walk past my house and hear me hollering at my kids to put their dishes in the dishwasher; or, you might hear me and my husband engaged in a very "spirited" conversation about the bills. If you were a fly on my wall for a day (or an hour), you might just think I had an alter personality who has shoved the woman you know and love aside and taken complete control of my body and mind. Trust me, you really might.


For me, the magnifying glass exposing my phony-ness feels even more amplified because I lead others in worship. From the stage on Sunday mornings, I often struggle between helping others step into communion with our LORD and savior and, well, stepping into communion with him myself. Most Sundays, I'm so preoccupied with my own sins and failures that I forget to connect with those listening. Selfishly, my purpose on that stage is to make my way through the internal war that rages on inside me, not you. Alas, someone will inevitably find me after a Sunday of singing and comment about how much they love it when I sing or how much they enjoyed the music that day. What they don't know is most times I'm choking back tears because I feel like I'm so not worthy of being on that stage leading others. I can hardly lead myself.

But, there's a beautiful side to being a phony. Without our phony-ness, we can't recognize the truth and we can't help others through their own phony-ness. Without our hypocrisy, we can't experience the beauty of repentance or restoration. If we were perfect to begin with, what would be the drive to become more like Jesus? Love like Jesus? Witness for Jesus? 


Hypocrisy should serve as a sort of self actualization, reminding us we are all equal at the foot of the cross. Change in our phony-ness comes when we realize our fallibility, and the fallibility of others, are one in the same. 


While I probably won't ever stop seeing my phony self in the mirror every morning (and again every evening) I will fight that alter personality until the day I die so "she" will never be able to take my heart. My heart that belongs to Jesus, despite my sins and struggles and total failures on a day-to-day basis, does not belong to the world. This heart of mine that God says is His gets torn in pieces regularly, so much so I want to run away and hide or put up a wall that can't be broken down. But despite feeling one way yet portraying myself another, my desire is to never stop fighting no matter how defeated I feel. And that's what matters to Him.


Go embrace your phony life.